Some years ago, I found out I was pregnant with my first child. My life had taken a turn that I never could have imagined. The pregnancy was completely unplanned. Up until that time in my life, I hadn't even fully considered being a parent. I was so preoccupied with advancing in my fashion design career that having children wasn't in my purview. It’s safe to say that I knew next to nothing about parenthood or pregnancy.
Once I had gotten over the shock of being pregnant, I was overcome by a sense of joy and love like I had never felt before. There was an instinct within me that suddenly gave way to a clear desire I had to be a mom. I started reading up on everything there was to know about the stages of pregnancy and birth. Through my research, I discovered the amazing work of Doulas and the support they give to families. I had a whole new passion to sink my teeth into. I started contemplating daycare and schools, birthdays, and breastfeeding. My whole life had changed forever in just a few moments.
During my 11th gestational week, I felt extremely ill. At the onset, I attributed this more acute sense of morning sickness to symptoms of shifting hormones. During that sickly spell, I started spotting. By the end of that week, I had lost the baby.
The process of miscarrying was physically and emotionally excruciating. I had never felt such profound pain like that before. The next two and a half years continued to be riddled with devastating blows. I had a second pregnancy that ended with the loss of my second child at 19 weeks. I fell pregnant again about 5 months later only to lose my third child at 29 weeks. Each pregnancy ended at such different times and in such vastly different ways that my grief was compounded by the agony of unanswered questions. I tried finding any information I could get my hands on to give me some solace, some understanding, something...anything. Anything that would help me make peace with the trauma. Through countless support group meetings, online forums, articles, podcasts, books, exploratory testing and consultations with different specialists, I never received clear answers. What I gained instead was a passion for understanding fertility, birth, parenthood and the struggle of infertility that so many people experience in silence while trying to build families. No one should ever feel isolated in their journey. We all need support, love and kindness.
